13 min read

Clippings: A Selection of Articles on the Pro-Beard Movement & How They Took Away the Right to Shave

The following media satirical snippets are from a twisted, hairy AF, upside down world where body autonomy is determined by the state you live in. In an alternate universe, governments control the right to choose facial hair-growth. It's almost impossible to imagine.
Clippings: A Selection of Articles on the Pro-Beard Movement & How They Took Away the Right to Shave
Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Picture a world where the government, lobbyists, and religious conservatives told you what to do with your body.

Laws that tell you never cut it. Forced to grow it for 10 months before you can properly trim again. You might end up with all kinds of health problems from carrying around that full, round beard. Just ask Will Forte.

The following media snippets are from a twisted, hairy AF, upside down world where body autonomy is determined by the state you live in. It's bizzaro land where the laws keep changing, keeping you in a perpetual state of fear.

Call it satire, sarcasm, or an internal scream…take your pick. This anti-epilation nation is almost impossible to imagine. Almost.
Epilation.ep·​i·​la·​tion ˌe-pə-ˈlā-shən the loss or removal of hair

Follicle Freedoms Vanish Overnight. — 🦊 News

Last night in a groundbreaking story, a leaked document from the pro-beard judges announced what men had feared most.

The anti-epilation law preventing people from banning hair removal is to be overturned next week. The ruling, was penned by Justice Pandora and 5 other Justices who are all BIPOC, non-binary, LGBTQ, and disabled. Not one of them had ever grown facial hair, or had to shave it, but they heard it was easy enough to deal with.

News flash: Bearded prefer razor burn. Instead their burden with more caretaking and upkeep.

When asked about their position they said they liked beards, thought everyone should have them, plus the Bible said hair was good, so it must be true.​

​​​When the hard-earned case for epilation rights is overturned, people will no longer have the right to choose how to wear their facial hair. Beard or no beard, sideburns, mustache or goatee, 50 years of legal hair choice, gone.

The anti-shaving group “Beards, not Bumps” celebrated years of lobbying and paying off the courts in a statement, “Booyah.”

On the heels of the Crown Act, people were optimistic in the U.S. full hair freedom was nearly here. Now, guys watch in shock as state after state takes their body autonomy and epilation-rights, leaving men barefoot and hairy.

Reading from the brief, “If they can grow it, they have to let it grow and grow. If anyone messes with its growth, even a quick buzz when it’s only a 4 o’clock shadow, they risk prison.”

Anything done to ensure their face is healthy becomes suspect. Even those who find it difficult to grow beards are affected. One mom tweeted, “How awful!” Then she went back to sleep.

Pro-beard Evangelicals Say Their Piece in Congress: "The Bible says don’t cut your hair, so, um, yeah."-JFC

How did we get here?

A Rep (who has never had to shave) spoke on the house floor on Friday.

“It’s in the bible at least 10 times. As it is written (by a scribe of King James interpreting some Hebrew from a few thousand years ago) Numbers 6:5 - ‘All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in which he separateth himself unto the LORD, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.’ See! There.”

When asked about a dozen other verses, where the Bible clearly stated the exact opposite, or that it only applied to a few people, Senator Yoink replied, “I mean, obviously, that’s irrelevant.”

Many who led the push to ban depilatory treatments warned, “The new law is complicated; even we don’t understand it.”

Via an email obtained by BuzzCut, the military strongly objected, citing health and safety concerns. “We must use buzzers and shave heads for hygiene as we've done since lice became rampant in Civil War tents.”

But, pro-growthers said “So? The Civil War was like, not that long ago.” Instead, they claim a verse in a 2,000-year-old sequel is a better guide for public policy. (A reporter who tried to ask about Reparations for enslaved people since it was "not that long ago" lost their White House press pass.)

Originally referencing how Priests should dress in the “inner court” they utilized “Neither shall they shave their heads,” to guide their decision, SCOTUS Opinion penned by Chief Justice Supercool Neato, “epilation is egregiously wrong. Case closed.” Of course, Neato later blamed his wife for his "crap decision."

Indeed, this is a crap decision. Rejecting a procedure, backed by science and used to keep a large part of the population safe is a dangerous precedent.

Office of anti-epilation organization targeted in arson attack. Police suspect bearded men responsible. — MSNOT

people holding white and black banner during daytime
Photo by munshots / Unsplash

Hairless are Right for Democracy representative said the fire set to the salon seemed to be sending a message to get on board. But, H.A.R.D. activists noted the reason behind outlawing epilation made “no fucking sense” as “[to not] shave their heads'' was used out of context.

Ezekiel 44:20 actually reads, “nor suffer their locks to grow long. They shall only poll their heads.”

A legal expert with no knowledge of hair growth said, since it was 2022 and no one knew what “poll their heads” meant anyway, they should get to choose.

Judge White T.F. agreed, even if she couldn’t grow a stache, “the no-shaving thing was clearly the only choice we could make,” for everyone else.

“A choice, which they made,” H.A.R.D. noted, “without our consent.”

Epilation Protests: Security Tightened Around Court Justices. — C.U.N. Times

Speaking at the courthouse, Justice Pandora, a Black Queer femme said “As a Christian, I believe that God is the one that chooses hair growth — not politicians or justices. But, since I am a justice in the U.S. A., I’ll back God on this one.”

The 35% of Americans who don’t follow Christianity are left scratching their heads, and many more are stroking growing chin whiskers.

VP Embarrassed, speaking to press: “We’re seeing extremists criminalize people just for making decisions about their own bodies,” and closed her remarks pandering to both sides. “This senate clearly doesn’t represent the people."

She went on to say, "Still, your votes will save you, next time.”

man with long beard giving a thumbs up
Photo by cihatatceken from Getty Images Signature on Canva

For half the country, access to a professional trim is no longer in town, certainly not one they could afford. If they’re wealthy, they could go to a salon out of state, but who can manage that? (The average American has $400 at most when a crisis hits, and rent is 4x their average take home pay.)

Meanwhile, stores are sold out of mustache combs, hair picks, and pommade.

Bogged down with screwed up facial hair, everyone judges them but no one offers financial support.

The underground stylists travel with their own tools, moving from city to city, just trying to help. "It's the number of times I have to clean the drain that's a pain, but not as bad as actually lugging that beard around, ya know?"

Then what? They may turn to their community to cut their hair, at home or a friend’s house. There’s no guarantee someone would get it right, so it's pretty dangerous. Picture a bunch of men with lopsided bangs, or worse, mullet and goatees.

man in crew neck shirt wearing hat and a beard with hairbands
Photo by Olga Nayda / Unsplash

Some attempt to style it, but this usually leads to an unfortunate photo shoot. A botched home haircut could lead to complications, too. They might find their hair won’t ever grow back which could be devastating. Still, far too many take the risk, because the alternative is your stuck at home, undesirable and alone.

Hair Stands on End: “My Chin, My Choice” Found on Courthouse Bathroom Wall. — The Post-It

Navigating a world without facial hair options is tough. It can be hard on the body. Beards might get in the way of how they go to the bathroom, eat, or sleep, and it only gets harder.

When questioned, Justice Goldie Locks said “That’s not the court's problem. We don’t make the rules; God does.”

But, the effects of growing a beard reach far beyond self-care.

For example, anyone who needs to travel is screwed. Airlines don’t allow beards past Santa length. What then? When does a beard reach Santa-length exactly? Pro-Trim advocates want the Senate to review the definition. Speaking to one expert in the North Pole, Elf #73 said, “Santa is in all of us…so before you see stubble.”

And then there’s work. According to some people we saw on LinkedIn, those with beards applied for an average of 500 jobs in 2021. Despite the rumors of an economic boom, one dad with a salt-and-pepper beard said “How many times can one hear how they’re not the right “fit” simply because of your body’s biological functions?” When asked if he was still looking. “For now, I enjoy quality time with my children. They love to see what they can hide in my beard.”

Another hair-saddled man shared “Job interviews are soul sucking; We get judged for our appearance, not our qualifications.”

[Pretending to listen] “They question if we can even handle our beard and a job? ‘This guy needs to get his life together. Couldn’t he find a way to not grow a beard?’”

It’s true, a beard is a lot of responsibility.

Even for a person with a fresh beard, hiring managers are biased. “People look at me and think, sure that beard seems fine now but what about later? Soon enough, that beard will be full of soup and crackers; who wants to deal with that whole mess?”

The Bearded Bear the Brunt of the Pandemic. — The 9th

Of course, hair growth is only harder during a pandemic with all the mask-wearing.

One guy we spoke with said, “Yeah, duh. We said for decades forced-hair growth is hard AF, but no one listened.”

Vidal Sassoon noted, “In a world that makes you grow a beard but gives you zero resources to care for it, it’s hard not to feel behind.”

Bearded man in kids black mask and black gloves, came, and hat with fencing sword and big round belly.
Photo by Yaroslav Astakhov on Canva

Paul Mitchell said no one wants to go to beauty school in states where the laws are even more antiquated. We asked one beauty school dropout what their plan was. Go back to high school, I guess.

Besides losing opportunities, the hair-full set loses all their “free time.” Outside of work, they're fighting more pro-beard legislation. Activism is community care and labor, but of course, taking care of everyone else is rarely paid.

Of course, the non-bearded have “real” work to do.

“Having facial hair you don’t even want...it just sucks.”

Another furry fellow concurred. It might cause financial loss, but it’s the sense of losing yourself that breaks you.

Up next: "Office Dress Codes Updated: Ties Out, Beard Nets In."

Nation in Stubble: Santa Lookalikes on the Rise as Men Navigate the No-Shave Mandate-BuzzCut

It makes perfect (non)sense that hair has FULL rights which supersede the face it grows on. What does that mean in practice? Well, if it turns gray, or the face loses its hair, a guy might face charges, whether or not he’s at fault.

In a society that values men only for their ability to grow beards, balding is obviously bad. What about the ones who are thinning on top? Should they let a patchy beard grow, even if it's a hot mess? There's really no choice at all. If he just says screw it and shaves his whole damn head, he could end up in prison for follicide.

One partner finished her rom-com before responding, “Totally unfair. Can you believe this country?” As the musical montage played, her partner stared out the window, afraid and nearly catatonic.

Other couples try to make the best of it, to celebrate the quiet moments. They picture their future when it's fully grown. Maybe then it won't be attached to me 24/7?! Ok, that's unlikely, but we have to dream.”

Couple holds out ultrasound picture but instead of the fetus it's a man's face with a goatee.
Image composite by author in Canva

Shaking her head, ZZ Top's wife said “I know! It’s the worst. But what can I do? I'd help if I could.

A recent poll tells a different story: Conservative non-bearded humans care more about themselves than they do human rights.

When asked about the poll, the leader behind the movement "Free the Face, Hide the Hair" said “It’s pretty fucked up because 60% of all Americans want epilation rights for all, coded into national law, including 80% of those who can actually grow facial hair.”

One guy shouted at his phone, “What a goddamn nightmare!” His friend, also enraged, shouted, “Right? It’s not like all “Growers” wanted to grow it.” It’s almost beyond the realm of reason.

As he put it: It was his head, wasn’t it? Wasn’t the hair on his face also his problem? Why wasn’t it up to him to remove? Didn’t his face have rights? Didn’t he have a choice about what to do with his body, like women do with pregnancy?!

Of course pundits will say, "A beard isn’t the same as growing a baby. It’s not growing a placenta, an amniotic sac, an umbilical cord, or an embryo and then a fetus. It doesn’t come with the same risks."

You’re goddamn right! Growing a beard does not compare to growing an extra organ first, in order to grow another human, give birth, and care for a full person with needs. Of course a beard is not a living, breathing, human baby. Duh. (Neither is a fetus.)

Breathing is reserved for and required by the living. Don't we have a societal duty to make everyone's life a bit better?

“Barbers shave sideburns. Save lives.”

Hair Raising Turn of Events as Bearded Face Prison for Lack of Growth—The Dissed

With the laws for epilation as vague Congress’s understanding of female anatomy, suppliers and pharmacies could face huge fines; many have decided it's not worth taking the risk.

The barber shops and Quick Cuts all close, even for haircuts; all clippers are confiscated. Trimming scissors—banned. Even ordering scissors by mail is under threat.

You’re on your own, and the cost is your problem, too. Remember, the U.S. doesn’t have nationalized care, even though you have to grow it. Healthcare? We don’t have maternal care for that matter.

Our government cares about passing bills for bombs, banks, and bailing out billionaires. The headlines are so bleak, the attacks on bodies don't make the top of the fold.

Many Americans are asking, "Why do they spend our tax dollars forcing everyone to provide care, whether we have the means or not?"

Using Rogaine to prevent hair loss might sound ok, but some states are unsure. And, don’t even think about ordering it online—too dangerous. Go to a clinic and wait for your order. Your body isn’t a private matter, anyway.

Razors were rounded up day 1, and put in giant stock piles under lock and key. But pressure grows. Recently, hair stylists were fined for giving trims, even when they were unrelated to the beard or face.

Barbers are suddenly added to watch lists. If neighbors suspect a stylist is helping someone, there’s an online form for a $10k reward from the state.

Op-Ed by the Follicle Freedom Foundation and the Barber's Association of America

Goat giving a look like "The Fuck?"

Letting someone control the hair on your head sounds like science fiction. Controlling what your body grows?! It’s inconceivable!

People who don’t grow beards will keep asking, What’s the big deal? It's not like bic razors were all that pleasant.

A few bearded bros who work with the establishment keep pushing for stricter laws, believing they are the chosen few to lead the way towards sideburn salvation. All we're left with is more questions.

Hard to imagine the courts ever using the Bible as the basis for decisions about healthcare! That would be idiocy, right? In 2024, treating human beings like animals seems completely...fucking stupid. Most people agree. Even the goats are like, 'The fuck?'

Some say religious policy makers are just tools for the theocracy. Of course, they don’t see it that way.

They have a question of their own.

"If it’s what the lord wants, what choice do we have? It’s our sacred duty to be vessels. Anything else would be hair-acy."

What if every nation on earth mandated how half the population dealt with their bodies? What if a few zealots had that much control? If they could dictate all your private hygiene and healthcare decisions, (without using evidence based or scientific information) what would you do?

Living under house arrest because your hair stop growing is a tragedy. Sadly this is not fiction in our brave new world. It gets worse.

One guy lost his hair, not by choice, but because his body stopped growing hair. Cell abnormality left him bald and he lost every whisker. Charged with Follicide, he’s lost time to grieve, too. Now, facing murder charges he says his life feels empty. Why keep fighting? He says he's not just trying to save face; he's trying to save lives.

Do you think men in other countries would ever stand for this type of control?! Not for a single second. They'd strike–leave the gym or the office, and take to the streets. “Hands off our faces!”

Protests would erupt en masse. Within days, there’d be a bearded revolution.

It's all just so totally ridiculous right?!

Where do we go from here?

What comes next? Hard to say. But, first, we have to fight like hell to make sure no other civil liberties are lost.

Get organized. Stand up for all bodies, not just your own.

Donate to people on the ground doing the work.

Join a local hair divestment group. Participate in a boycott.

Withhold fur-faced kisses and call for a national makeout strike.

Buck up, because this could continue for decades. It's almost impossible to imagine. Sadly, we don’t have to imagine, and we know who it affects most: Poor people in rural areas without access to information or other services.

Stay vigilant. Any day, the feds could step in to legislate even more of what people do with their bodies, or the President could attempt to do it with an Executive Order.

If people who can grow beards ever lose their full body autonomy nationally, we'd be in for a total shit show. Every single one of them would freak out. And who could blame them?

At such a clear injustice that violates our constitutional freedoms...They'd lose their fucking shit.

We’d bet our goddamn lives on it.